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Tuesday, 3 September 2019

Is It Worth Being A Good Person In 2019 America?

Illustration: Jim Cooke (G/O Media)

Funbag

Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? [Email the Funbag](mailto:funbag.deadspin@gmail.com).

Today, we’re talking about doctors, the Mariners, capture the flag, being followed, and more.

Your letters:

Stosh:

It could be that this has always been the case, but it definitely seems like only horrible people excel in the world today. Does it pay to be a pleasant person?

It does. I know it doesn’t feel that way at the moment, but you can take cold comfort in the fact that history has often been kind to morally repugnant shitheads. It has, indeed, always been the case. I know Trump is in charge and that Trump is the world’s most hideous man, but people older than you and me have lived through the ascent and prosperity of plenty of other god-awful humans. That doesn’t mean you should use the Sackler family as a template for your own existence. The system really is set up so that you can profit by turning heel and fucking over other people, which is an unpleasant thing to learn about the world. BUT… sometimes okay people do well, too. Look at me! I’m a good person!

(unadulterated silence)

Okay, maybe I’m not the best example. What about, like, the Jonas Brothers? They seem nice and still do well for themselves. It CAN be done, I swear. In fact, compared to, like, the days of Genghis Khan, people are arguably nicer than they’ve ever been! Crime rates are down! We haven’t nuked each other to kingdom come just yet! Call it 20 percent nicer. I can be a better person. Not in the online sense, but on the ground. I could give more money and time to worthy causes. I could do more volunteer work. I haven’t done enough, and it’s not that I feel guilty about it. It’s that I know I’m missing out on something I’d truly enjoy doing by sitting on my ass. I’m depriving myself.

Don’t make the mistake of framing the whole “Should I be a prick?” question strictly in financial terms. It’s worth considering the (ugh) intangibles. When you’re pleasant in your everyday dealings, people are pleasant to you, and then they help you when you’re in a tight spot. Or, at least, they oughtta. That’s why they teach you common decency at elementary school in between savage games of Butts Up. They want you to abide by the golden rule for a reason. Say please. Say thank you. Don’t take out your fucking phone at the dinner table. Be professional. Give a fuck. You get more Christmas gifts when you do all that. TAKE THAT, JEFF BEZOS! Some of us do things the RIGHT way, you pile of shit. I’ll cut you good!

Peter:

Which children’s playground game would make the best pro sport/league?

Capture The Flag. I say this knowing that if some fabled playground game COULD have been a billion-dollar professional sport, it already would be. But there’s a reason that the only time you see wiffle ball on TV is when it’s a celebrity game and, like, Joe Scarborough is the pitcher. No matter. I firmly believe that Capture The Flag is the be-all-end-all of kid games, particularly in the summertime. Not Hopscotch. Not Butts Up (though watching Justin Verlander compete in a game of Butts Up would be mesmerizing). Not trading Garbage Pail Kids. None of that. Capture The Flag is the GOAT.

When I went to sleepaway camp as a kid, they would stage a game of it on a massive field, with the entire camp split into two teams. We played the version of Capture The Flag where each side had a jail. So if you got tagged crossing over into enemy territory, you went to the jail and then your teammates could free you by running into the jail without getting tagged themselves. Freeing someone from a Capture the Flag gulag was nearly as thrilling as actually capturing the flag. Felt like breaking out of San Quentin.

Like the flag circle, jail was a safe space (don’t tell National Review), so if you got into it without being tagged, there was this really tense moment where you had to properly time when you and your freed hostage could dare to bust loose from the circle and make a break for the dividing line. WHAT A RUSH. IF you got tagged on the way back, you got baked into a pie.

A couple of times, I managed to make it all the way into the flag circle, mostly because the other team was busy chasing down and tagging faster kids. I don’t think I ever made it back home with that flag, not even once. If I had, that flag would be framed and hanging from a wall in our bedroom. So I would absolutely watch Alvin Kamara attempt to play this game along with 49 of his peers. This would be fascinating for a solid five minutes before I change the channel to bird-watching. Summer may be unofficially over, but Capture the Flag deserves to be enshrined by our government as the awesomest shit in history. Build a memorial to it on the Mall, to honor the tagged. Carve my name into the quartzite a thousand times over.

I would tell you that honorable mention here goes to Smear The Queer, but A) NFL football is better, and B) You really can’t/shouldn’t call that game that anymore. Someone on Reddit suggested re-branding Smear The Queer as Get Down, Mister President, but that’s almost too deferential to whoever has the ball. I’m not trying to save the ballcarrier from himself. I’m trying to beat his ass. Just call it Kill Bill, Part 3 or something.

Cameron:

When do kids learn to properly use a Kleenex? I have a sick six-year-old who has gone through a whole box and not a single one looks used.

My kids can all use Kleenex properly and the youngest one is seven. I think your six-year-old should get the hang of it sooner rather than later. Once a child understands that they can snot into a tissue with impunity, they come around quick. OH WOW I CAN PICK MY NOSE WITH THIS ANYTIME I WANT TO! Whole new avenue of opportunity opens up for them.

They will waste paper as they learn. Kids waste everything on this earth: tissues, food, water, your love, and such and such. But it’s worth harping on them when it comes to properly blowing their noses. I know this because my kids have wiped their boogers on the couch. One time I looked at the side of one of the cushions and it looked like an old man’s skin three days after he got too much sun. Horrifying shit. I would routinely catch one of the kids picking without a tissue and, in extremely overbearing fashion, I would hold up a tissue box in front of them to be a nag. Then they’d roll their eyes and insist “I wasn’t picking my nose!” Lies. All lies. I refused to give up. I didn’t wanna reach under a table again and discover an impromptu biotech lab. You don’t either. Kids grow. They eventually learn all the crap you and I now know. It’ll happen.

Jeff:

Common foods that make me gag are bananas, celery, seeded rye bread, and hard-boiled eggs, although I can’t figure out for the life of me what these have in common, and why I like other strong-flavored foods like anchovies and sauerkraut. Is there any connection to other foods you don’t like, or is it totally random?

I don’t think my least favorite foods have much in common. I don’t like mayo, olives, beets, and, like, brie cheese. That is not a food group. When the FDA issues a nutrition pyramid, you don’t see a wheel of baked brie topped with black olives at the top in the Weird Appetizers group. They have more pressing foodstuffs to categorize.

I hate these foods for varying reasons. I hate the texture and smell of mayo, along with its inexplicable, eternal omnipresence in fucking everything. I hate beets because beets taste like raw potatoes someone washed in corn syrup and then dumped into a vat of Easter egg dye. I hate olives because they’re distressingly meaty. I’ve told this story before, but one time I was at some cocktail party and ate what I thought was a fried mushroom. It was a fried olive. Terrible moment. I’ll never get over it. I wish this somehow related to my distaste for runny cheeses, but I’m at a loss. Each of my food hang-ups is unique and special, like a fingerprint.

I think that broader food quality dislikes are a childhood thing. I used to fear anchovies as a little kid. Like Jeff, I also once hated rye bread. I didn’t think bread should be tangy. I also disliked orange cheese(?), whipped cream, and pretty much any cooked fish. If I thought a food looked scary or had a strange texture, or if I thought certain foods HAD to taste a certain way and not deviate, I avoided them. I eventually grew out of those widespread aversions (except for mayo; mayo is still a fraternity prank). Your palate matures along with you, and what’s left are a handful of random foods you dislike for reasons you either cannot explain or that you just can’t overcome. You can never eat a basket of calamari again after Sheila dumped you that one time after you ordered one. Speaking of sudden nausea…

Kyle:

Have Mike Pence and Mother ever done mouth stuff?

Oh, sure. Everyone does mouth stuff, even people who need written consent from THE LORD before they get into it. Mike Pence probably begs Jesus for forgiveness every time he has to come up for air down there.

Also, since I’m a child of the 80s, I am predisposed to believe that the most demonstrably pious individuals are complete freaks behind closed doors. Mother probably slaps a gimp mask on her hubby every Saturday morning, holds him facedown in a wading pool filled with buttermilk, and then lashes him with a riding crop. I wasn’t born yesterday. I know how this type operates. Mouth stuff is the most NORMAL shit they’re into.

Evan (NOTE: this email sent in wintertime):

Today I saw two separate adult humans wearing winter gloves on the train and casually using their noses to navigate on their phones. I don’t have a question I just thought you needed to know this.

Why don’t they just buy the phone gloves? They have the special tactile winter gloves now with fingertip pads so that you can still use a touchscreen. People buy those things all the time. I would tell you that this is a depressing factoid about society as a whole, but I’m the type of person who A) Is too stupid to own a pair, B) Will shed a glove and risk frostbite at the bus stop in January just to refresh Twitter to see who fucked up, and C) Will probably do the nose thing now that I know about it. It’s resourceful. It’s how MacGyver would use an iPhone. I’m pathetic.

Carson:

Do you think you’d notice some sketchy guys in a Crown Vic tailing you all the way home? I’d like to think I would, but then again I can’t really think of a situation where I’m looking out for someone following me home.

I’d notice. Absolutely. I spend every waking minute imagining that my life is a shitty action movie, so when another car stays behind me for a noticeable amount of time, I immediately think it’s the Feds, or a serial killer following me home to cut me up and plant me in some sort of body garden. Then the van in question turns onto Burnside Drive and my little flirtation with paranoia comes to a sudden and bittersweet end. I was looking forward to tussling with that murderer, man. I would have smacked him in the nose to get him off me, like he was a shark.

So if it happened for real, you better believe I would be on HIGH ALERT. I’m the guy who, after the 2016 election, turned on TweetDelete AND enabled a passcode on my phone because I was told the Feds can force you to unlock your phone with touch ID but can’t do the same with a passcode. Did that paranoia come back to bite me in the ass when I could least afford to have it happen? My friend, you know it did.

HALFTIME!

Chad:

After honoring my seven-year-old’s request to spell “bell” out loud for him, for what felt like the 100th time, I started wondering how many different words I’ve actually spelled out loud one hundred times or more. Over-under is five—what say you?

I was gonna say zero EXCEPT I remembered as a kid that my brother, my sister, and I would spell out MISSISSIPPI as fast as we possibly could. We thought it was funny, mostly because there’s a “peepee” in there. Same goes for ICUP, which is not a real word but should be. It could even be the name of a show about drinking beer from a keg: I, Cup. But otherwise, 100 is an onerous number of times to spell out a single word. I say this even though, as I told Roth and Greenwell last week, my wife and I used to spell out certain words so that the kids wouldn’t know what we were talking about. That doesn’t work now that the kids can spell. They know we’re talking about potentially buying C-A-N-D-Y. The jig is up.

For most people, I would wager that swear words get spelled out the most. I used to do this with my kids around. “Honey, I gotta go take an S-H-I-T.” The kids could still Google my name and suddenly be inundated with a million SHITS and FUCKS and COCKBARFS. And yet, I still tried to maintain the façade that I was a discreet fellow. No point in keeping that up any longer. They know a shit is a shit. They aren’t stupid.

Andy:

When Trump tweeted from Vietnam, it made me wonder if he knows how to connect to WiFi if he’s in a country that doesn’t have the best cellular service. Like, when he steps into a hotel, does he know how to connect his phone to the WiFi or does an aide immediately take his phone and connect for him?

Not a chance he knows how to do it. He may not even know what WiFi is. He walks into a new room, can’t get his browser to load, and then screams that someone should be fired because of it. Then a bunch of terrified lackeys scramble to fix the problem so that the President can get back online and tell the world that the media is lying and that Stephanie Zimbalist very much DID want to sleep with him back in 1986. As Trump does this, 12 hurricanes strike the mainland and 800 people are gunned down at random. That’s every morning now.

Dan:

Lifelong Mariners fan here in Washington, and a friend in my group that’s a lifelong Yankees fan (also from Washington, go figure) has decided to rock the EXACT SAME M’S HAT that I have! This dude still talks shit about his beloved Yanks, but wears my Ms hat out and about. What’s the correct protocol here besides taking it off of him and throwing it into the bus-lane downtown?

You should give him shit. It won’t amount to anything. Yankees fans are too stupid and proud to EVER indulge in a moment of self-reflection. But that doesn’t mean you should accept your friend being a literal asshat. Do your bro duty and unload on his sorry ass. Call him a fuckhead. Slash his tires. Hide his asthma inhaler from him. Spend every waking second reminding him that he’s an ugly asshole. Shit on him until you get right up to that line where it stops being friendly banter and is poised to devolve into outright hostility. That’s what makes being a guy so FUN.

Why would a Yanks fan wear a Mariners hat anyway? The Yanks have a bazillion rings. The Mariners have never won fuck all. In fact, when the Mariners won 116 games one year and broke the MLB wins record (which they hold to this day), they still choked in the playoffs against … the YANKEES. Either your friend is grossly ignorant, as all Yankees fans are, or he’s trolling you on a level that MERITS outright hostility, if not open violence. I say assault him. He’s likely used to such things.

Andrew:

The other day, I looked in the mirror and realized that my hat, sweater and vest were all made by Patagonia. Even worse, the logos on all three items were visible, so I looked like the world’s least attractive and most unfit Patagonia model. What’s the most items you can wear from a single brand before you start to look like a weirdo? Two seems reasonable, although if the logos are hidden, then maybe it doesn’t matter?

If the logos aren’t visible, then you’re off the hook. If I walk out the door dressed head-to-toe in Uniqlo, and I have, I do NOT look like a hypebeast. I look like someone paid me to be a crowd extra in Mission: Impossible film. I am invisible.

It’s a different story if everyone can see the brand in question, and even then it depends on the brand. Like, if you walk around wearing all-adidas shit, it makes perfect sense. You’re wearing a t-shirt, mesh shorts, and a pair of slides. Those are articles of clothing that are meant to be part of a complete ensemble: a sloppy, boring ensemble. Whereas if it’s all Patagonia, you look like the founder of Honest Tea. Or if it’s all Polo shit, you look like a preppy asshole. Not only do you look the brand, but people will assume that you deliberately set out to do so.

That’s not a sin, necessarily. I know we at Deadspin treat saying brand names like we’re summoning fucking Voldemort, but brands are so ubiquitous now that plenty of people openly align themselves with ones that they think are interesting or cool. Kids especially. My kids were into Under Armour for a long time. I did not sit the kids down and say to them, “Well listen, boys and girls, you might think that UA is KEWL and HIP, but you know what’s not cool? CEO Kevin Plank sitting on the President’s WAY bogus business council and then resigning because he wanted to stick to sports. Tell me that’s IN with the school crowd!” I just let their little private fad run its course, and it usually does. The daughter likes Lululemon now, which is a whole OTHER problem.

Jammy:

Can Shaq use a urinal?

Yes. He’s not 30 feet tall. I saw Shaq in person this past June and his size is breathtaking to behold in person. But the man can use a pisser. I’m 6-foot-3 and even I encounter the occasional public urinal that’s awfully high, like I could rest my balls on the lip of it. Such urinals can easily accommodate a man of Shaq’s height and girth. Not the kiddie urinals, though. Some of those are stationed a foot underground. Exactly how small do they think children are?

Pete:

I just saw Nas perform with the Detroit Symphony Orchestra. At what point is it pathetic that I attend concerts of artists from my formative years? I say this because I mercilessly heckled my parents for going to a “Beach Boys” concert in 1999 that turned out to be one of the Beach Boys and Carnie Wilson.

Never. It’s never pathetic. Did you have a good time at the show? Then who gives a shit about how it looks? I long ago resigned myself to the fact that I like rock, and rock is now for old fogies. When I gotta think up a halftime song for this column, I inevitably end up picking some track that betrays my age, even if it’s from a relatively new band. But I like what I like and there’s little sense in fighting it. I still go to every Bob Mould show when he comes into town. If you gave me tickets to the Stones, I would absolutely go and enjoy myself. If the act in question still knows how to put on a live performance, no sense in depriving myself of the pleasure. Sometimes that live show can help me remember why I liked that band to begin with.

Years ago, my parents dragged me to a Gene Pitney concert. If you’re unfamiliar with the since-deceased Gene Pitney, you’re hardly alone. Even I was too young to know who that was, but that didn’t stop my parents anyway. “He the guy who sings ‘Town Without Pity’!” they cried. I was like whuh? They took me to the show, which was located in a rural Connecticut amphitheater that was essentially a circus tent. Pitney did his set in the round, including his aforementioned, lone greatest hit. I think I had an all-right time. Gene Pitney was a professional. He was also 106 years old, but he knew how to work a stage. Never let your self-perceived reputation get in the way of heading out to go see a long-in-the-tooth artist grab one last paycheck. Besides, Nas is cooler than Gene Pitney. I doubt that’ll ever change.

Will:

Is it socially acceptable for a grown man to take a glove to a baseball game? I’m going to be catching a couple games during a business trip to Florida in a couple weeks, so I’ll be without the wife and kids. Am I going to look like a weirdo walking in solo with a glove during batting practice?

Yeah, but that’s all right. Do what you enjoy. Again, no point in letting your ego get in the way of having fun. It’s one thing if you’re Zack Hample and you’re elbowing toddlers out of the way to snatch up balls to sell on eBay like a smug prick. But if you wanna bring a glove to a game as a one-off, I won’t judge you. You’re not gonna catch jack shit, and stadium security will probably confiscate your glove and burn it right in front of you. Even if you do manage to get your glove through the gate, you’ll probably end up cursing yourself for having the bright idea to lug one around a ballpark for fours hours. But hopefully you’ll be dead drunk for all that. HOORAY BASEBALL!

I have brought a glove to an MLB game in the past, like when I was a teenager. I absolutely felt like a member of the team when I did that. LOOGIT ME! I’M AN OUTFIELDER! I caught nothing.

Nicholas:

I’m in medical school. At what point can I reply to an airline or public page for a doctor? I really want to do this though I know that it’s lame to want public praise.

In my mind, you have to graduate first. If I was having a heart attack in an airport terminal and the first guy to rush to my aide turned out to be Nick Riviera, Hollywood Upstairs Medical School freshman, I would be distraught. I want my doctor to be a doctor.

However, if it’s clear that you’re the ONLY person in the immediate vicinity who knows jack shit about medicine, and you’re know what the patient involved needs and if you can give them what they need, fine. Put on your scrubs. You’re the last resort, but that’s better than no resort. You’re the only girl left at the bar for last call.

Email of the week!

Tony:

I regularly donate noncash items worth, in my estimation, about $499 annually. On one recent Goodwill visit, the attendant pulled the cart to the back of my trunk, and we loaded the following items:
1. A giant foam hand making a shocker gesture with the caption “Shock ‘Em”
2. A Halloween decorative bouquet of fake dead flowers
3. A tape recorder that we acquired from my grandmother-in-law 10 years ago (with 1 tape included)
The attendant asked me if I wanted a receipt, and I somewhat-embarrisingly said “sure.” My wife looked at me side-eyed. I could sense the regret that she had for ever being associated with me. Later, I attempted to complete the tax form but couldn’t bring myself to do it.
What is the most worthless item you’ve ever donated?

Probably a tray of brownies to the back-to-school picnic. I use the shitty mix for those. The Ghirardelli mix I keep for myself.

Monday, 5 August 2019

Zelda Fans Protest, Smash PS4 Over Very Similar Chinese Game

Image: Weibo (PTTWeb), ZhugeEX

Kotaku East

East is your slice of Asian internet culture, bringing you the latest talking points from Japan, Korea, China and beyond. Tune in every morning from 4am to 8am.

Open-world game Genshin Impact has been described as an anime Breath of the Wild. Some Zelda fans in China are not happy about it. At all.

The Chinese-developed RPG’s first gameplay footage was shown recently at the China Joy gaming expo.

As ZhugeEX and CCN report, the game has been called out for allegedly copying Breath of the Wild.

Via Twitter user Vivian.Ysy, here is a side-by-side comparison of in-game screenshots.

Image: Weibo

At China Joy, Zelda fans took photos of themselves holding their Switch consoles running Breath of the Wild flipping off the Genshin Impact display at the Sony booth. They’re upset that Sony would release such a similar-looking game.

Image: Weibo (PTTWeb), ZhugeEX

Image: Weibo (PTTWeb), ZhugeEXImage: Weibo (PTTWeb), ZhugeEX

Image: Hachima (ZhugeEX)Image: Weibo (PTTWeb), ZhugeEX

Screenshot: Weibo (PTTWeb), Image: ZhugeEX

“Despite this, we noted it was the most popular game at Sony China Joy booth with very long lines,” ZhugeEX tells Kotaku.

Still, as Hachima reports, one guy even destroyed his PS4 in protest.

Image: Weibo (PTTWeb), ZhugeEX

Image: Weibo (PTTWeb), ZhugeEXImage: Weibo (PTTWeb), ZhugeEX

Cosplay protest was far less destructive.

Image: Weibo (PTTWeb), ZhugeEX

Sunday, 4 August 2019

Why Your Team Sucks 2019: Denver Broncos

Photo: Joe Robbins (Getty)

Some people are fans of the Denver Broncos. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Denver Broncos. This 2019 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.

Your team: Denver Broncos.

Your 2018 record: 6-10. Man, remember when Chad Kelly stumbled drunk into a random house and got chased out with a vacuum tube? That was interesting. Shame he didn’t work out, given how much fans loved his Colt McCoy-esque potential…

In all other aspects, the 2018 Broncos campaign was the kind of placeholder season everyone expected from a team that had a sitting duck for a head coach and Case Keenum (who can occasionally make coaches and fans happy, yet can’t seem to ever truly satisfy them) for a quarterback. So many NFL teams strategically plan around waste, and not in any PRODUCTIVE manner. It’s not like John Elway is in his stable, munching raw oats, cooking up a long-range scheme to stockpile assets in between having his mane brushed. Given Elway’s acumen, those assets would be seized and sold off at a bankruptcy auction later on anyway. It’s just a case of sucking to pass the time. And so many teams do it! They never fire people at the right time. They always keep around shit people they know can’t get them over the hump. THE FUCK ARE WE EVEN DOING HERE, GOD DAMMIT?!

In other news, some local radio pud demanded that punter Marquette King be more like Brandon Stokley. I wonder why! An Emmanuel Sanders taunting penalty cost them a TD and ended up being the difference in a loss to the eventual NFC champion Rams. The head coach elected to kick a field goal down 17-13 to Cleveland with under five minutes left (they would not overcome the gaffe). They lost to the Chiefs thanks to the refs missing a delay of game penalty. They also let Patrick Mahomes complete a left-handed pass. When you’re facing a Vance Joseph defense, suddenly you can open up the whole laboratory. You can toss lefty passes, run a tackle eligible, have the tight end catch a pass while standing on his head … THE ONLY LIMIT IS YOUR IMAGINATION.

In one of his trademark efforts to direct blame for his team’s demise toward anyone but himself, John Elway publicly called out the Broncos for being soft and girly, which is the normal football man way of solving problems.

YOU: Sir, the house is on fire!

FOOTBALL MAN: This is all because kids today get participation trophies. Maybe if kids had to EARN their trophies, fire wouldn’t come messing with us.

YOU: The house is gone, sir.

Elway also took time out from his duties drafting terrible quarterbacks to appear in an attack ad at the behest of the oil and gas lobby, urging voters to vote NO on banning those same companies from slant-drilling their way under area schools and whatnot to suck dry any precious natural gases they please. The ad worked. The proposition failed. HOORAY! Biggest win of the year for you, Bronco Nation. CAN YOU SMELL IT? Smells sulfurous and highly flammable!

The only other bright spot in the season was undrafted rookie Phillip Lindsay emerging as a stud back just before piranhas devoured his wrist.

Your coach: It’s former Bears DC Vic Fangio, who looks and acts like he was airlifted into this world directly from 1982:

Everything about Fangio’s resume suggests a potential Mike Zimmer clone: a well-regarded lifer who was forced to wait far too long to get a shot at a top job. Then again, given their recent QB history, perhaps turning to yet another cranky defensive guy wasn’t the wisest choice:

“Anybody’s who has been a position coach, or assistant coach, they don’t like the music,” Fangio said, via 9News.com’s Mike Klis. “It makes it hard to talk to your guys... I was an assistant coach and I don’t want to drum out the noise to talk to my players… I don’t like to have to yell to communicate to a player that’s standing as close as me and you are. That makes no sense.”

Good thing real games don’t have any other kind of deafening background noise to make communication difficult! Fangio coached while suffering from old man kidney stones last night. SETTIN’ THE TONE. Your new OC is the delightfully named Rich Scangarello. MADONE. Your new DC is Ed Donatell, who I believe has coached for every NFL team thrice over. And your linebackers coach remains Reggie Herring, who looks like someone who instigated a fight in the prison mess hall.

Your OL coach is Mike Munchak, if only so I can tune into Broncos games, see a shot of him patrolling the sideline, and be like, “Oh god, Mike Munchak is part of this.” Once again, the best-case scenario for this team is one where a mighty defense carries a listless offense on its back to a season that ends with 10-6 as both their final record and their average score.

Your quarterback: STRAP IN…

It’s Joe Flacco, and he’s been grizzlified by 20 percent! Elway traded Keenum to Washington for a fifth-rounder and dealt a fourth-rounder for Flacco, essentially moving down a touch in the ass-end of the draft in order to have, well, basically the exact same QB problem this team has had since Peyton Manning walked away. Getting Joe Flacco when you need a franchise QB is like getting a can of shoe polish when you need to treat your baldness. But at least team MVP and shark hunter Von Miller appears pleased…

“He looks like a Super Bowl MVP to me,” Miller said, via the Associated Press. “Today he had a play-action, rolled out to the right and threw the ball from the opposite 20 to the opposite 15. Now, I don’t know how far that is.”

Whoa whoa whoa, are you telling me that Joe Flacco, always known to have a decent arm, threw the ball a long way in a PRACTICE? Holy shit. Al Davis’s cock just sat up in its grave. Elway himself believes Flacco is in his prime, because he’s fucking blind. This is where I note that Flacco’s YPA last season was worse than that of both the man he’s replacing and the man who replaced HIM. Fucking great.

Flacco is due $18.5 million this season, the same lethal devouring of cap space that prevented the Ravens from building anything lasting around him. That’s a hefty price for a dude who’s here to warm the seat up for second-rounder Drew Lock, who looks like the love child of Jay Cutler and Grayson Allen. Then again, let’s have a quick peek at Lock’s game tape, shall we?

Okay, he might need a bit of seasoning. I watched Lock play last night and he was about as accurate at Netflix’s viewership numbers. Lock is here to replace first-round bust Paxton Lynch, who was drafted to replace second-round bust and human stork Brock Osweiler. It’s almost like I see a pattern developing.

What’s new that sucks: Well, Pat Bowlen died. Bowlen was a Hall of Fame owner because ALL owners make the Hall of Fame now. His death from Alzheimer’s has resulted in a sad but entirely foreseeable estate battle that’ll likely live on longer than any of the participants in it. Let’s see what one of Bowlen’s surviving children thinks of the new head coach!

This is entirely in line with a front office that, for the better part of a decade, has been drunk around the clock. Elway appears to be the only sober one of this bunch and he’s an ASSHOLE who drafts abominably and looks more like Gary Busey with each passing day. Elway is the kind of GOP-bred shitbag who believes his own past success validates everything else he’s ever done or ever will do. That’s why he keeps drafting Browning Nagle clones and inexplicably shooing away any coach who has accomplished something of note under him. Can’t have anyone else steal the glow from poor John’s halo. Why don’t you go feed yourself a sugar cube, you toothy shit?

Pacman Jones retired after getting arrested for cheating at a casino. That all tracks.

What has always sucked: Denver is Sacramento with legal weed and nicer scenery. It’s a cow town that has just about finished up ethnically cleansing itself, and now it has just the right kind of simplistic Big Ten–style football team to fit in with all the insufferable Midwest transplants living there, along with all the spruce-brained hicks rolling in from the flatlands to shake their manboobs and crow about how they’ve always wanted a working-class footbaw team. Well now you’ve got one. Everyone else is copying the Rams and Chiefs. Elway is copying Marty Schottenheimer. And honestly, it’s what these fans deserve. They’re as spoiled and impatient as the dude running things, and for what? A fucking rodeo clown death of a team. You’d think these people were cheering for the Pats, they’re so goddamn entitled.

That is the real core of Broncos culture. It’s a typically 21st century American portrait of a company and fanbase borne out of the Stone Ages, constantly dumping new layers of paint over their fusty arrogance to make it look new and interesting. Did you WATCH the Ravens last season with Flacco at the helm before he lost his job, to a dude who can’t even throw no less? Did you? They were slow. Just like you now! You people are higher on your own farts than you are on any soul diesel preroll they sell at the area dispensary. No place is better than Denver at getting you high and then KILLING that high as quickly as it comes on. Fuck Elway with his own teeth.

That the state is run by a cheerful craft brewery owner who loves charter schools fits entirely too well. [Update: That was the last guy. The new guy’s a gamer.] At least people can hydrofrack under your kid’s daycare center now.

What might not suck: With Demaryius Thomas gone, other Broncos might finally be able to get their hands on a free cruller at the training table.

HEAR IT FROM BRONCOS FANS!

Nate:

After Jim Harbaugh left the 49ers, Vic Fangio interviewed to replace him. They went with Jim Tomsula instead.

Matthew:

I honestly don’t want to watch a single game this year.

Paul:

Elway decided it was a good idea to replace the league’s 28th ranked passer with the league’s 25th ranked passer.

Eamonn:

Von Miller is more threatening to sea life than to opposing quarterbacks.

Matthew:

The collective accomplishments of Bowlen’s heirs amount to one No-Contest DUI.

Chase:

Blake Bortles turned down the Broncos.

Eric:

FUCK YOU VON MILLER YOU AIN’T A NERD, QUIT WEARING 70S STYLE HIPSTER GLASSES LIKE YOU GONNA BUST OUT THE D&D BOARD

Andrew:

Rahim Moore. Him flailing hopelessly is burned into my brain. It’ll be the last football thought I have before I die. It’s Moore’s fault Flacco is our QB now.

Samer:

Someone has surely made this joke before but Vic Fangio is second to Dr. Acula in terms of terrible vampire aliases.

Caleb:

John Elway’s playing career cemented him as the best QB in Broncos history. His GM work will ensure he never has that title threatened.

Chris:

This team is never winning again as long as Elway is in charge, which will be until he dies because no one in Denver has the testicular fortitude to tell him to leave.

Patrick:

In a division with Mahomes, Marmalard, and even Derek Carr, I can’t believe my team is making a concerted effort to convince me that Joe fucking Flacco is going to lead my Broncos to the promised land.

Ascher:

We would be off with fucking Jonny Hekker at QB than any sack of shit that Elway has drafted or traded for since Peyton left. Fuck John Elway with his son’s domestic violence summons.

Ian:

I had started really getting excited for football until last night when my brother texted me, “Can’t believe I’m about to watch a season of Flacco football. I really cannot accept it.”

RMH:

When Denver brought in Case Keenum I said to a friend that a ‘Case Keenum’ sounds like the kind of thing you have to use a special shampoo on your crotch to get rid of lice. I didn’t realize how right I was at the time.

George:

The Broncos suck, and in the “Von Miller is really good, but our offense is banking on Joe Flacco carrying the offense in 2019" way that results in 14-3 losses against bad teams and 42-3 losses to good teams.

Max:

Everybody and their mother knew that Vance Joseph was not fit to coach this team after one season except for John Elway.

Chris:

The Peyton Manning era truly was a blessing because it’s clear that John Elway can’t evaluate quarterbacks to save his ass. It was easy getting Peyton here: Colorado is a nice place to live. My cat could have made that fucking pitch to Mr. Forehead.
I’m studying for the bar right now. I’d rather keep studying for the next four years than watch Joe Flacco lead the offense to a record number of three-and-outs and then see Drew Lock come in and make Paxton Lynch look like Baker Mayfield.

Paul:

After Flacco throws his 25th interception in week 6, CBS is going to have a “WELL HEY REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES?” montage of his career, it’s going to show him lofting the ball over a visibly drunk Rahim Moore during that one godawful playoff game a few years back, and I’ll need to text my therapist again.
Last year, I went to 2 Broncos games in the Bay Area. The Broncos lost both.

Jake:

Bonus Denver sports story – one year our family went to a Father’s Day baseball game, the Rockies were up by 3 late in the game but the opposing team had the bases loaded. My dad yelled, “watch these idiots hit a grand slam” and of course that is exactly what happened. We left early after getting booed out of our section.

Corey:

Well, the man with the big fur coat is dead.
I still hate Rahim Moore for jumping that route. I want “Fuck Rahim Moore” etched on my gravestone, so my grandchildren know I care so little for them.

Matthew:

John Elway is still looms over the Denver area like the brown cloud that used to dominate the skyline. The worst part is despite being richer and more loved than God in Colorado, Elway has pimp a local mortgage company because he cannot stand the thought of not being on TV in the off season. John Elway just might be the only person whose head size actually matches his ego.

Charles:

In 1997 I was living in Saratoga Springs, NY in a 200 sq ft studio, broke, depressed and alcoholic. However I had the Broncos and they were finally not going to shit the bed. The four people in my life who I hadn’t driven away by that point came over to the my pathetic apartment and we proceeded to watch Bill Romanowski try and spear Mark Brunell 109x and either miss and allow Mark to scramble for a first, throw for a first or draw a penalty for a first down.
I was drinking tequila straight from the bottle by the fourth quarter. The game ended, I collapsed and started crying. My friends did a reverse Kool-Aid man in leaving so fast and then I spent the rest of the night throwing stuff against the wall and playing Twisted Metal 2 on the PlayStation while polishing off the bottle.
Honestly one of the lowest points of my entire life. That game hurts more than the SBs win felt good.

Manu:

The whole “John Elway only likes tall, strong armed QBs” thing became self parody when we traded for Joe Flacco. But it legit stops being so funny when you look at the depth chart… the shortest guy there is 6' 2" and he’ll probably be the one who’s gonna be cut.
Elway has shown zero ability to get a decent QB and I’m still 100% drinking the Kool Aid. Chugging it, in fact. Flacco will thrive in the thin air, Lock will get to learn behind him before taking over. 11-5, easy. THIS IS KNOWN.

Tom:

Denver sports radio is a 365-day circle jerk of all things Broncos. Nuggets with 2-seed? Who cares, let’s spend the next three hours dissecting how Joe Flacco is somehow an improvement over the blobs Dear Leader Elway has chosen since Manning. Watching a once proud franchise get lapped by a Muppet and the Kool Aid Guy in KC while the owner dies has to be a modern era low point. You wouldn’t know that listening to the Fan in Denver though. They willingly ignore every other professional team in the market to talk about this garbage. It’s pathetic. Every pro team sans the Broncos made the playoffs in the last 12 months.

Sam:

The fans here still want Tebow back, and claim his 8-8 season and a 15-yard crossing pattern that Demaryius Thomas took to the house was “the most excited I’ve ever been as a Broncos fan,” which is fundamentally wrong.
I was deeply upset when Osweiler spurned the Broncos and headed to Houston. I believe I used the phrase “huge mistake, Elway” on social media after the fact.
Pat Bowlen died this year, and while he did a lot for the city of Denver with regard to building its reputation as a legitimate city and perennial powerhouse in football, you’d think we were burying the father of the city or a fucking president with how the media covered his death and funeral. Sappy, forlorn anchors talking in muted tones about how much this billionaire meant to the city he bought into and threatened to move the team from, fans laying flowers and cards and notes at the foot of his STATUE outside the STADIUM that was PAID FOR BY TAXPAYERS (!!!!), talking to the media about how much he’ll be missed... it was performative sadness and grief at its absolute nadir, and just completely gross.

Derek:

Fuck Josh McDaniels.

Justin:

Also fuck Tim Tebow.

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